??????

OK. So I am finally not nervous about going meet Justin tomorrow(especially bc I know he is nervous too). But it is in a part of L.C. that i have never been in, I will be new meeting people for the first time, seeing him for the first time in 4 years and he will be seeing me also for the first time in 4 years. I know how much I have grown and changed in the past 53 months, I can only imagine how much he has changed as well. Not physically but we have both matured and had reality bite our asses. Have we grown the same? Does he care about the same things he use to? Things I really need to know. I know I am a better person (on the inside) then I was at 16 and 17 but I also know that I have made some major changes in my life too. Will he accept that? Has he done the same? Also I have gained a good 50+ pounds since me and him broke up. (And he has lost it thank you) Will he still be attracted to me?

On top of all of this, only 3 people know that I am going which in a way makes it easier but harder. My mom loves to give her $0.02 in to every conversation we have. And if it is about a relationship I will be teased to no end. And she wonders why I never tell her anything, she doesnt take it like a mom should. She takes it as a freshman in a catholic high school would about seeing a penis for the first time... She just giggles and points and makes a mockery of my feelings. How can I tell her that I am going meet some one who broke my heart in high school? She will laugh until her death over it if it would not work out. That is just how she is. She is my mom and I love her but I think it is best if she doesnt know everything.

I know the cliche': "if you love them let them go, if they come back then you know" may be true in some cases, but I am not about to put all of my eggs in one basket. We will see how Saturday goes and take it from there. I am not expecting a relationship but I wouldnt be against it. I just have that concrete wall up around my heart from Daniel, that I cant bring myself to tear it down just yet......PATIENCE!!!!!!

OK enough blogging...I have to get back to work! WISH ME LUCK!!!!

Here I go.....

First off, I have been too scared to step on the scale the past couple of days. Dont ask just me I guess. This weekend was ok. Friday my girls came home from camp!!! The fam went eat chinese and we just hung out all night.

Saturday, Kendi and I went bring Brooke to Aveda and play with Elly. Then that night we went watch UL's production of Grease! It was GREAT!!! Very well down!!! Who knew we had that much talent around here....we are truely lucky.

Sunday we flea bombed our house since Elly was at her house(just for safety's sake). So while that was going on in the house...The Wyatt family went to a fundraising BINGO in town for our Troops!!! We had a good time. Laila, by the way, has always been addicted to the game. We found out while there that they play BINGO for money every friday night at the VFW. So now you know where I will be...lol.

Monday was a crazy day in itself. I really need to get a work out in but I got a call from my Hight School sweetheart. We stayed on the phone until 2:30am this morning....man I'm tired. But it was worth it. We learned a lot about each other from what we have experienced over the past 4 years. We both feel that we did the maturing we needed to do. I am really nervous about seeing him this Saturday. Who knows how that will turn out?

OK enough for now I need to get back to work!!

Bitter/Day3(morning)

Ok...So yesterday got shot to shit!!!! My boss asked if I wouldnt mind staying after work a little to wait for one of our employee's wives to pick up an check that is in his box. I said no problem since I had plenty of work to do and Curves is less then a mile from my office. So 5pm I waited....5:30....and waited...6pm...and waited...finally at 6:30 I left!!! The only reason I had stayed is bc I know she is pregnant and "needed to get the money today". Dont you know it is 9:15am and she has not even called or come by!!!!!

I guess the main reason I am upest is that I missed my "date" with Curves. I was sooo set on going!

Dont get me wrong I'm happy that I was able to get a great deal of work accomplished that was dumped on my desk a 4 but it is the principle of the thing! If she was not going to come she could have at least called. She knew I was staying late for her!

But in better news Kendi and Laila are coming home from camp today so that makes me HAPPY! I miss them when they are gone. Saturday we are going see UL's production of Grease!!! I am so excited!!! They have no idea!!! I was the mean sister and told them that the production was in June and we had missed it! I think they will be excited!!!

Well that is it for now! Hopefully today will be better!!!

Day 2

Ok so here I am, Day 2. First of all I feel much better today then I did yesterday. No headache!!! Yeah for me!!! Also(believe it or not) I am about 90% caught up!!! I cant believe it myself! That is about as good as it gets in my line of work.

Yesterday I worked out at Sarah's house. That was actually soo much fun. I could let out my aggression at the skinny bitch on the video without judgement =} We also just sat and talked after which was really nice. It is good to visit with friends. I wish I could find more time to do that now a days. Just slow down and enjoy life.

Some of my friends are ...how can I put this nicely....needy. Which is fine but they have to realize that just bc I dont call you every single day, it does not mean I am angry with you or have some "better" friend. I planly just did not have time!!!! I should not have to stroke you ego 7 days a week!

Ok next topic: Sarah is visiting family today so it is a curves day. *mental note call Sarah about tanning* I am acutally ok with that.

Well I guess that is it for today, back to the tuna wrap and water for lunch.

Mood Swing/ The first post

I got tipped off about this sight by one of my friends and I will most likely use it as a personal journal for me and only a select few readers...this is actually making my day a little better.

Ok, for the longest time I have been happy, and for the most part I still am. I mean look at me. I am turning 21 in exactly 1 month today, I have the BEST friends in the world!!, I have a great job and boss, my co-workers are the sh!t, and my best friend since i was born and I are starting to get closer agian. It truely is amazing how some friends may come and go but a small handful stay with you forever!! Not that the others arent important it just makes the handful that more special! Anyway off topic:

I actually went back to Curves yesterday! Man, it had been months and it felt so good to start up again...but i did the worst thing! I stepped on the scale this morning!!! AAAAHHHH!!! I cant believe I weigh this much!!! 219.5!!! I really need to stay focused onto some sort of routine!! Either curves, or walking, or tapes...I need to do something. I am turning 21 and feel as if I look like SH!T. I have been watching what I eat but I never ever really did eat HORRIBLE. I dont really care for junk food...so why do I gain weight just by looking at food!!! I dont want to be skinny I just want to look healthy. Some women are big boned too but look damn good...why not ME?

Last week I did something for me. I bought a past, present, future ring...not only for the bling....but to serve as a reminder to me. For all the misery I have had in my past, Were I am today, and where I want to be. I am hoping this works. I know it may be a bit stupid, but at least I have a plan (or plot).

I also want to FINALLY get in the tanning beds. I need to not look so pasty. Maybe that will help my self image a little.

I also start school in Aug. (which reminds me I need to drop off the tuition). I am really excited about that! That is one of my mountains I had to cross with the Daniel aftermath. But I have made it to the top of that moutain and hopefully I will take on and conquer many more.

I have a hug headache this morning, too! Sorry this blog is sort of scatter brained....but at least I got this off my chest!